Thursday, January 29th, 2004 • No Comments on Wanna Fight?
Verbal communication is not my strong suit. I’m sure that’s because, well, I’m a writer. Duh. I could write a ten thousand word essay on the extremely deep subject of my complicated emotions, but if forced to verbalize my feelings, I am likely to mumble, “I’m just upset.” Or, better yet, I’ll ignore the question and pretend nothing is wrong. That works, right?
I am not anti-social, I am not lacking in self-esteem. I can sustain a phone conversation until I’m hoarse, so it’s not like I don’t like to talk, but confrontation of any kind has always been difficult for me. I’m sure that stems from some deep rooted childhood issues and a fear of abandonment. Go along to get along. To which the obvious response is: get over it. The thing is, it’s not a game I’m playing; it’s not some passive-aggressive attempt to get what I want. It goes against my nature to tell someone they’ve made me angry or hurt my feelings.
It’s taken me most of my life to figure out that confrontation isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’ve lost friends because I didn’t want a confrontation but couldn’t deal with the situation any more. Of course, I’ve lost friends as the result of confrontations, as well. Still, I’m learning that silence is never the answer if it’s something or someone I care about. I think, I hope, I have gotten better about expressing myself. I’m working on it.
I also realize my opinions can be taken as confrontational whether I intend them that way or not. I know some of my beliefs are unusual, and I know that can be threatening. I also know that if I say or write something, I have to be willing to defend it. That is not always easy, especially on days when I feel like I’m the freak in the crowd. It’s not hard being me, but sometimes it’s hard to explain who I am. I’m still figuring that out for myself.
I’d rather make love than war, but if a brawl is inevitable, I’ll put on the gloves and try to fight fair. Just remember I have a glass jaw, okay?