Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004 • No Comments on No Pill’s Going to Cure My Ill
The world as we know it is changed forever. The earth is tilted on its axis. Hell is surely freezing over. I am using sick leave because I am unwell. Alert the media. Oh, never mind, they’re busy analyzing the social and moral ramifications of Janet’s nipple exposure in a post-Cold War society.
I’m taking a little sick leave break to get over whatever is making me feel like a kitten in a clothes dryer (there’s a visual, huh?). I’m sleeping like eighteen hours a day, but it’s all in ninety minute increments, it seems. I can’t do the math on that because I’m too tired, but basically I’m not sleeping well and it’s making me feel worse.
I’m a big believer in sleep as a restorative. Keep the drugs and give me ten solid hours of sleepy time and I usually feel better. I just can’t seem to get the rest I need thanks to my insomnia (I solve all the problems of the world while tossing and turning in my flannel sheets), the dog barking (at cars, other dogs, the wind, the voices in his furry little head) and lovely, wonderful people (some of whom are truly lovely and wonderful, they just have bad timing) who start calling me at nine in the morning and don’t stop calling until sometime in the middle of the night. It’s so nice to be popular.
Part of my problem is a lifelong illness for which I need to find a cure. I need to learn to say “no.” “No” to doing things I don’t have time and energy to do; “no” to people who will take everything I’ve got and leave me running on empty; “no” to anything that isn’t going to be good and positive for me. Maybe that’s selfish, maybe it’s just self-preservation. Elton had it wrong—I can say “sorry” from now until forever, my problem is saying “no.” It can be, and has been, exhausting. Self-inflicted, but still exhausting.
Until I figure out how to say “no” in other areas of my life, I’m going to say “no” to work tomorrow. It’s a start.