Tuesday, May 18th, 2004 • No Comments on Tie Me Down and Make Me Write
I want to quit my job. No, I’m serious. I’m returning to work after a four day weekend of socializing, gardening, being artistic and cleaning my wreck of a house, and except for that last thing, I would happily go on doing what I’ve been doing for the past four days until someone forced me to stop—and then I’d go kicking and screaming. I mean it, I want to quit my job.
If I thought I had the discipline to go back to writing full-time, I would do it. There was a time when I could make myself write 5 to 6 hours a day (6 or 7 days a week). It was wonderful to have the freedom to be able to spend my days however I wanted, as long as I put in the hours on my writing. Unfortunately, I took for granted just how good I had it and got lazy. Self-discipline is not one of my strongest character traits, though I can be motivated by deadlines and money. But when the deadlines disappear and there are more rejections than checks in the mail, self-discipline shrivels up and The View starts looking like quality television.
It’s not even that I’m so dissatisfied with my current job. It’s part-time, it’s a pleasant enough work environment and I have friends there. It has been a good job, despite the sad little paycheck. I’m just tired of it. There is no challenge anymore, no real motivation to keep going back other than the sad little paycheck and the fact that I can’t really justify quitting.
I want to go back to writing full-time. Eventually, I would miss having a regular job with a regular (sad little) paycheck. I might also miss the social interaction, though I think I have enough friends to fill that void for awhile (or at least until they all get tired of me and I need to make new friends). If I could somehow trade the sad little library paycheck for a regular writing paycheck (which would also be sad and little, of course), I could quit with a clear conscience. Ahh… but there’s the problem. Paychecks from writing require discipline (and talent and luck, but let’s start with discipline), which I seem to be sadly lacking these days.
So, for now, I return to the library… dreaming of a day when I can once again work in my pajamas and write for peanuts.