Wednesday, October 20th, 2004 • 1 Comment on Time Won’t Wait For Me
My recent award notwithstanding, I’m still unsure what to do about my library job with grad school looming in January and my job dissatisfaction growing exponentially by the week. I find myself trying to figure out how to juggle the job, school, writing and the rest of my life and I just don’t come up with a satisfactory answer. What to do?
October has been a sucky month for writing. In part, because I wrote like crazy in September and got a bunch of stuff in ahead of deadline. The other part is lack of motivation and a weird schedule. I haven’t written much at home, I haven’t hit the bookstore (to write) in at least two weeks and other than doing a rough draft of my NaNoWriMo book during a five-hour visit to the hospital (not for me), I haven’t accomplished much else. It’s disheartening after having such a good run last month. Ahh… but November is book-writing month and I really do want to make the 50,000 word limit this year. That would be quite an accomplishment after October’s lack of productivity.
Of course, with November blocked out for NaNoWriMo (not to mention Thanksgiving and a week of Sheri time), and December being full of the usual holiday madness… I feel like I might as well write off the rest of the year in terms of writing. Because, let’s face it, even if I hammer out 50,000 words in November, I will be a long way from having anything that is remotely ready for submission. Then there is January… and back to school. I’m planning on taking two classes (what, I don’t know yet. I need to make an appointment with my program director) and while I’m sure the workload will be manageable (after all, I
school), it will be one more thing eating into my writing time. Frustrating.
I know there are other people who do this—juggle jobs and school and writing and relationships and life—and I know I can do it (and have done it), I just wish I knew how to do it well. Every time I add something to my life, I feel as if there is a weight pressing on my chest. I feel trapped when my schedule is booked, I feel as if I have to give something up even when the answer is probably better time management. Or is it? Sometimes, no matter how well I manage my time, something gets sacrificed. I’m not good at sacrifice.
I look at my friendships, the ones that are still solid and the ones that have faded, the ones that are slipping away because time has become a factor and there are other priorities. Time management doesn’t fix everything. Sometimes, quite simply, things change and there isn’t anything to be done about it.
Change has never been something I have handled well. I adjust, but I don’t like it. Even when it’s necessary, I have to force myself to deal with change. So now I’m looking toward January and going back to school and excitement is not what I’m feeling. Anxiety, definitely, and a sense of anticipation that isn’t entirely comfortable. I’ve felt this way before and everything turned out fine. Different, but fine. I’ll adjust to this, too. But I don’t have to like it.