Friday, November 5th, 2004 • No Comments on Doubts Creep In
I made my word count early tonight, but I’m still up at 1:30. Old habits die hard.
Good news is, I broke 10,000 words—or 20%—in four days! Bad news is, it’s all uphill from here. I know it’s crazy to try to write a book in a month. I know it smacks of a being a hack and that, having not only written several manuscripts, but actually having sold one book and dozens of other pieces of fiction and nonfiction—I really shouldn’t need this kind of writing exercise to motivate me to write a novel. Having admitted all of that, the truth is this is a good push—the push I need—to get back into writing daily. I fall away from it so easily, yet when I do it and stay focused on it, I can turn out a respectable daily page count (or word count). The question of my life is, why can’t I do this every day, without some gimmick to motivate me? If anyone has the answer, I’ll give you a cookie.
I have written about my love/hate relationship with the writing process before. I love having written, I hate the writing. Maybe hate is too strong a word. Mostly I don’t like the feeling of helplessness and stupidity when I’m trying to find the words I need and they won’t come. This feeling of incompetency happens so often it makes me question whether I’m really a writer at all. Yet, I have the writing credits to prove that I
am a writer. Not a famous one, not a wealthy one, not even an extremely well-published one, but I have written—and sold—enough to prove this isn’t just a fluke. I can
write—and I can write a variety of things. I just wish I believed in myself every day that I write something rather than only on the days when I sell something.