Thursday, February 24th, 2005 • 7 Comments on Ten Things Writers I Hate to Hear…
…AND MY RESPONSES
Clueless Person #1: I have this great idea. You should write it and we can split the money!
Me: I have my own great ideas, but if I ever run out I’ll be sure to give you a call.
Clueless Person #2: My life would make a great book. You should write it and we can split the money!
Me: I’m not a biographer. I’m also not in the sleep aid business.
Clueless Person #3: I have this great idea. I won’t even charge you for it.
Me: Ideas are like opinions. Keep yours to yourself.
Clueless Person #4: How much do you make?
Me: How much do you weigh?
Clueless Person #5: I was good at English when I was in high school. Maybe I should be a writer.
Me: I was good at forging my mother’s signature when I was in high school. Maybe I should steal her identity.
Clueless Person #6: Are you a lesbian?
Me: Why? Can you hook me up with Angelina Jolie? (Alternate response: Would you ask Stephen King if he’s a serial killer?)
Clueless Person #7: Where do your ideas come from?
Me: The Imagination Fairy delivers a fresh batch each Sunday night in exchange for my soul.
Clueless Person #8: Would you read my book/short story/poem and tell me if it’s any good?
Me: Would you taste this month old carton of milk and tell me if it’s any good?
Clueless Person #9: Would you dedicate your next book to me?
Me: No, but I’ll dedicate a karaoke song to you.
Clueless Person #10: It must be great to be a writer and have so much free time!
Me: It must be great to have such a wonderful sense of humor!
Clueless Person: Are you going to write about this?
Me: Yes. And I’m going to make you ugly and stupid.