Saturday, September 10th, 2005 • 1 Comment on Doing It
I really haven’t had much to say lately, have I? I was anxiously anticipating September and now a third of the month has slipped by and my enthusiasm has waned. Ah… women are fickle creatures and I’m no different.
I find myself feeling out of sorts lately as I try to negotiate my life. My schedule is more flexible than it’s ever been and my time, with the exception of my classes, is almost entirely my own. Imagine! It must be wonderful, right? It must be like Christmas and my birthday and a date with Brad Pitt all rolled into one, right?
People ask me how I’m enjoying all this free time and I stare at them in bewilderment, smiling vacantly as I clench my hands and restrain myself from punching them. Yes, I have free time. Oodles and oodles of it. The thing is, I also have a few (more than a few) major goals for myself which means I need to hammer all that free time into something that very much resembles a real work schedule. Except, because it’s self-imposed, because there isn’t a boss telling me where to be and how long to be there, because there isn’t a paycheck on Friday afternoon or vacation time or co-workers, it’s not a real job—it’s just me with a whole bunch of free time doing whatever I want to do.
I suspect people hate me for this.
I am having a difficult time figuring out how do this thing called writing full-time. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I know how to do it. I just do it. However, I don’t know how to convince myself that this is my job now, that it’s important and meaningful and rewarding. I suspect everyone else will believe me when I believe it myself. For now, I feel as if I’m a little girl playing house, only I’m a big girl playing writer.
I know I will adjust to this new change in my life and the bouts of panic and self-doubt will fade enough so that I can sleep at night and not snarl at everyone around me. The easiest thing in the world is to say, “I’m going to do this, this big, meaningful, silly, life-fulfilling, possibly futile, often lonely, definitely rewarding thing I want to do.” The hardest thing in the world is to actually do this big, meaningful, silly, life-fulfilling, possibly futile, often lonely, definitely rewarding thing I want to do.
I’m going to try.