Friday, June 2nd, 2006 • No Comments on What I’m Thinking
You know how, when you’re quiet for awhile and maybe staring off into space, someone will invariably ask, “What are you thinking?” Well, here are some of my thoughts:
—Why is it cute to be fat when you’re a cat, but not when you’re a woman?
—Why are people horrified at the idea of a teenager becoming a parent but a teenager driving a two thousand pound car 65 miles an hour in the lane next to you on the interstate is okay?
—Why did it take decades after the women’s rights movement for the advertising people to change the copy on Secret deodorant from “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman” to “Strong enough for a woman?”
—Why is Kate Moss selling digital cameras on television? Has she gotten too fat to be a clothing model?
—Speaking of clothes, when did XS, XXS, 0, 00 and even -1 become women’s clothing sizes? Are women shrinking?
—Why are the male mannequins at The Gap wearing size Medium shirts that fit while the female mannequins are wearing XS shirts that are pinned together in the back because they’re too big?
—How did I decide peanut butter sandwiches and bananas were the perfect raccoon diet? I honestly don’t remember.
—What the hell is Humanities? I’m getting a M.A. in the subject and I still don’t know what it is, exactly.
—Why didn’t God just make me a redhead naturally so I could have saved thousands of dollars on becoming one artificially?
—What would I look like if I just shaved my head?
—When did it start to annoy me to be told I look younger than I am? I’m 39, dammit. I’m proud of it and I’m looking forward to 40.
—When will reality television just DIE already?
—Why is everything that tastes good bad for you? Why is everything that is good for you taste like cardboard or grass?
—Is it 2008 yet?
—Will Hillary run? Will Hillary win?
—What is it about intelligence that is just so damned sexy? I totally understand the appeal of academia.
—What’s the penalty for submitting your tax forms late if the government owes you a refund?
—Why does the line “You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin” from the Howard Jones song “No One Is To Blame” remind me of so many people?
—Why can I remember the name of the first bar I ever went to, but I can’t remember my prom theme?
—Did I ever really believe Bon Jovi was heavy metal?
—Who decided Coke and coffee would make a good combination? More importantly, has anyone actually bought Coca-Cola Blak?
—Is it just me, or does everyone make up stories in their head?
—I wonder what’s happening with those characters I wrote about in that novel that didn’t sell six years ago? I mean, they’re real, aren’t they?
—Did I sleep through the night as a baby, or have I always been an insomniac?
Well, you get the picture. That’s the way my mind works. Scary, isn’t it?