Saturday, September 2nd, 2006 • No Comments on Temporarily Closed For Repairs
Due to a variety of reasons: not feeling particularly well and dealing with some health stuff, Ernesto dumping a ton of rain on this part of the country, getting caught up on laundry and cleaning, cooking and baking, reading for class and working on a particularly frustrating deadline, I haven’t been out of the house much over the past several days. It hasn’t really bothered me, except for a couple of hours yesterday when I was sick to death of the incessant rain. It’s okay to stay in the house voluntarily, but the minute I feel trapped, I want out, out, I tell you!
I don’t use the D word around here much—and I’m not talking about dysfunctional, but I guess that’s a part of the magic formula, too. Depression is one of those things most people deal with at some point in their lives, and some people deal with most of their lives. I fall somewhere in between, I think, with more than my share but nothing I haven’t been able to manage thus far. Go me.
I made my state of mind known to everyone close to me earlier this week when I could feel things crashing down on me. I didn’t say, “Hey, guys, I think I’m depressed,” I’m a little more subtle than that. But the message translates into: leave me alone, don’t give me too much to deal with, I don’t need any additional drama in my life right now. Some people get it better than others, but I still feel the need to acknowledge it, regardless of the response. Why? Because as much as I hate, hate not being my usual self, having to pretend to be my usual self is a hundred times worse. It’s exhasting at a time when I don’t have a lot of energy to begin with, know what I mean? I hate not being happy, supportive, reliable, friendly, social, creative. I hate even more trying to be those things when I can barely drag myself out of bed.
Like most things, this, too, shall pass. I will wake up one morning feeling like my usual (fabulous) self and breathe a sigh of relief. Until then, I’m just hanging on and hoping the message gets through.