My Turn to Blow Hard!

Thursday, April 9th, 2009 • 56 Comments on My Turn to Blow Hard!

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Welcome to the next stop on the Blow Hard 2009 Tour!  What’s the tour all about?  Well, it was inspired by this post by the fabulous Sommer Marsden.  A bunch of us chimed in with our comments on the subject of, er… blowing… and thus a tour was born!

Now, here’s the thing.  I know and adore many naughty, lusty women (and a few pervy guys, too) and I’m more than happy to send you off to their blogs and websites to read their salacious stories (and sometimes see their sexy bits).  But I tend to keep my blog in the PG-13 range and leave the hardcore stuff between the book covers, which means I have to be creative about this hard blowing topic.  That’s the beauty of euphemisms.  On her tour day, Erobintica discussed euphemistic phrases for that most delicious oral treat.  If you’re collecting a list of phrases to… er… whip out at the next cocktail party, here are a few more I found:

Blow the Whistle
Cop a Doodle
Fluting
French Job
Gobble
Head Job
Hum a Tune
Hummer
Inhale the Oyster
Pipe Job
Polish the Chrome
Smoke the White Owl
Suck the Sugar-Stick

(All kinds of other fun euphemisms for sex can be found here.)

Sadly, many of those phallic phrases are more laughable than sexy.  Does any man say, “Oh baby, I want you to inhale the oyster?”  I’m thinking not.  But maybe it would sound sexier in Latin.  One of my all time favorite movies is Dangerous Beauty.  It is based on the true story of Veronica Franco, a sixteenth century Venetian courtesan.  In one scene, the angry wives of Venice gather to ask Veronica why their husbands keep returning to her bed.  Veronica satisfies their curiosity with a demonstration and a lesson in Latin:

Don’t you think Veronica would just love being a part of the Blow Hard tour?  (The wives remind me of Sommer’s friend, actually.)

Here is a little BJ teaser of my MILFy story “Student Body” that appeared in Ultimate Undies: Erotic Stories About Underwear and Lingerie:

“Hey, Matthew?”

He looked up, his eyes heavy-lidded with his own growing lust.  “What?  Did I do something wrong?”

Younger men are just so damned adorable.  “No, I just wanted to know what kind of underwear you’re wearing.” 

To accentuate my point, I ran my finger along the elastic of his underwear.

He looked at me as if I’d asked him who his long distance provider was.  “Huh?”

“Boxers?  Briefs?  Oh, never mind, I’ll find out for myself.”  I reached for the waistband of his jeans and got them unfastened.  The rasp of the zipper made me shiver.  “Oh,” I sighed, tugging his jeans down his legs.  “Boxer briefs.”

Matthew raised his hips so I could get his jeans off and reached for the waistband of his underwear.

I put my hands over his.  “Wait,” I whispered.

“Why?”

I spoke to his impressive erection.  “Because I like your underwear.”

For the record, I didn’t have these boxer briefs in mind, but it certainly would be interesting to discover a guy wearing these:

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(found on RKB‘s blog)

Yes, I know, that excerpt left off at the best part.  Hmph. confused Because I tend to write in more graphic language than the euphemisms offered above, it’s almost impossible for me to find a longer selection without veering off into X-rated territory!  So, here’s the deal: leave a comment sharing your favorite oral sex scene from a movie and I will choose a winner at random at the conclusion of the Blow Hard 2009 Tour.  The winner will receive a copy of Ultimate Undies and something to suck on.  Heh.  Even better, your comment here will also make you eligible for the Blow Hard 2009 Tour Grand Prize of goodies!!

Be sure to visit Isabel Kerr tomorrow as the Blow Hard 2009 Tour continues!  And if you’ve missed any of the stops along the tour, do be sure to visit the other fabulous authors:

March 31st: Sommer Marsden
April 1:  Alison Tyler
April 2:  Dakota Rebel
April 3:  Erobintica
April 4:  Cora Zane
April 5:  Heidi Champa
April 6:  EllaRegina
April 7:  Marina St. Clare
April 8:  Emerald
April 9:  Kristina Wright
April 10:  Isabel Kerr
April 11:  Neve Black
April 12: Surprise Guest
April 13: Surprise Guest

And a very special thanks to Sommer for organizing the tour and making it so much fun to talk about all things lickable.  You rock, lady. wink

Now, I will leave you with this completely innocent T-shirt sure to appeal to those who love poultry and lollipops:

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Posted by Kristina in Musings, Writing
  • Neve Black says:

    Good Morning gorgeous bounds of red and delicious!
    I”m impressed with the PG-13 style here. There’s nothing innocent about it though. grin

    Your excerpt is wonderful and very sexy.

    Those boxer briefs I’ve seen around blog town lately and I think I must have them.,,along with something to suck on. Hmmm…I’ll have to search my memory for films with good head shots.

    I’ll stop back later for more fun.

    p.s. my spam word is: after89. Code name for may I please have oral pleasure after (fill in the blank).

  • Awesome post, Kristina! Loved the movie clip. Something about completely flustering a group of ladies wearing hoop skirts and corsets is always so satisfying to watch.

    I also loved your excerpt. Very playful and well within the bounds of the PG-13 rating.

  • Kristina says:

    Craig, When I think of pervy, I think of you.  Hmm… that didn’t quite come out right, did it?  wink  You know what I mean.

  • Kristina says:

    Erobintica and JM—Yes, yes, get thee to Netflix or Blockbuster and pick up Dangerous Beauty!  It’s a wonderful, beautiful, sensual film.  Sigh… And Rufus Sewell (he of the sexy bedroom eyes) is in it, too.  Oh my…

  • Kristina says:

    Alison— I saw that shirt and thought of you. smile

    Thanks for the film link!  I keep thinking that one day I’ll get my PhD and it’ll be about sex in books and movies.  Whee!

  • Kristina says:

    Oh Neve, you do know how to flatter a girl.  Not innocent?  Who, me?  red face

  • Kristina says:

    T. Elle~  Isn’t that a fun scene?  Though my favorite is Veronica’s monologue in the courtroom at the end when she’s on trial.  No bananas in that scene, though.  Hee. smile

  • i think my last comment was eaten! let me recap. blah, blah, blah, sorry am late am slow and lopsided and drugged. blah, blah, blah, love that tee! is fab! must own it. blah, blah, blah, PG works for me. It means “pretty graphic” right? Right?

    I will be in and out (heh heh) as much as arm allows. Working on computer really aggravates it. Please, shoot me now!

    Oh and siad I like Coppig a Doodle. Even though I don’t get it. I just like the way it um…rolls off the tongue! smile
    xoxo
    s
    p.s. copping. stupid typos. am not used to typing one handed despite my profession! copPING not copPIG. poor pig…

  • Cora Zane says:

    Yummy, suggestive excerpt, and omg – I need to find that movie! 

    That’s so true about the euphemisms. If someone said one of those to me while in the act, I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face. I crack up just reading them! :0)

  • I love foreplay and love your excerpt!  And I most definitely have to see “Dangerous Beauty.”  I can’t think of any really great blow job scenes—maybe the bit in the elevator with Jim Morrison and a groupie in The Doors?  I like the scene with Ellen Barkin and Dennis Quaid in The Big Easy, but I think that was just digital sex.  Well, the film clips are playing in my head grin.

  • Neve Black says:

    Okay, okay, okay… so I thought of great blow job scenes from films:

    The Sweetest Thing when Jane (Selma Blair) gets stuck giving a blow job. I’m singing, “how can I live without you…”

    Or

    Swordfish with Hugh Jackman (melt) has to hack a computer while being sucked. Remember that scene? Talk about a high pressure interview.

  • Erobintica says:

    Okay, where is everybody? Off writing smut like I’ve been all day????

  • Wow, Kristina, you’ve risen (ahem) so creatively to the challenge of successfully talking the talk without veering out of your PG-13 zone. Kudos!

    Like Craig, I’m honored to be in your “pervy guy” club, and I will endeavor to live up to that reputation, no matter how much effort it might take. ; ) Next assignment, in this regard, will be to go do some filmic research …

    P.S. Though you can’t really tell from the picture, those are boxer briefs that I’m wearing in my half-naked blog photo. Aren’t you glad you asked? (Oh, wait … you didn’t ask, did you?)

  • Kristina says:

    Hmm… I posted comments earlier and it seems they have not appeared.  In response to Sommer:

    Blah blah blah… get better!!  wink  We need you to guide us into the home stretch of this tour!!

  • Kristina says:

    Cora,

    Yes, yes, yes—go get Dangerous Beauty!  I really can’t recommend it enough.  It is fabulous (and based on a true story and does NOT have a miserable ending so typical of true stories about historical women).

    Damn, I’m going to have to pop my DVD in tonight and watch it.

  • Kristina says:

    Donna—I LOVE The Big Easy.  Great movie and such wonderful sexual tension.  Yum…

  • Kristina says:

    Neve—I haven’t seen Swordfish, but thanks for giving me a reason to put it in my Netflix queue. smile  Wooo… love Hugh Jackman!!

  • Kristina says:

    Erobintica—I’m afraid some people’s comments might be getting eaten by my blog!  It happened to Sommer this morning and then I lost a couple.  Sigh.  My innocent little blog is just not used to so much dirty talk in one day!

  • Kristina says:

    Jeremy, I do try to keep it relatively clean around here.  Or no more than suggestive. wink  But I am only PG-13 here, as you well know… get between my pages and things get X-rated… hee…

    I do so love a man in boxer briefs… sigh…

  • Stumbled in from the sofa where I was spotting flying scrotums (check AT’s leather glove blog if you think I am high. I am…but it will help you undserstand the scrotum and its flight hahahaa) Is it PG-13 to say that every time I see “Hugh Jackman” in print I want to say Huge. Huge Jackman. Mmm. Who is wolfish. And strong. And growly. And…Whew. what?

    I can only see 2/3 of the comments. about an inch on the left is chopped off and a 1/2 inch on the right so I hope my comment is relevant. And at least mildly coherent. I don’t think the KW blog likes me very much!

    xoxo
    sommer

  • Kristina says:

    Aw, Sommer. I don’t know why my blog doesn’t like you.  ohh  Maybe it’s your browser?  Is anyone else having problems seeing comments?

    Your comments are perfectly PG-13, not to worry.

    Oh, and I cannot wait for the new Wolverine movie!  That man makes me want to howl…

  • Why can I not think of a blow job scene from a movie? Why! Oh…the humanity!

  • Kristina says:

    You’re drugged and in pain, Sommer.  You have an excuse!

  • EllaRegina says:

    Hi, Kristina!

    What a great Pretty Graphic (hi, Sommer!) post!  I happen to find euphemisms very sexy and think the mind can soar into arousementland with them.  No kidding.  I’ve bookmarked the page, too.  Smoke the White Owl is my favorite from the list. 

    And the clip from Dangerous Beauty, a movie unknown to me.  Must see!  Why do I want a banana now?  (I don’t care if it speaks Latin.)  wink  Yeah, those uptight women, poor things.  Maybe conditions got better for them once they arranged some fruit.

    I loved your MILF story excerpt!  An underwear anthology, yay!  Hello Kitty boxer briefs!!

    I don’t recall many oral sex scenes in films but thanks to Alison’s link (bookmarked, Ta!)  I was reminded of one, in French filmmaker Catherine Breillat’s Romance (1999), in the first few minutes of the movie:  a woman is “polishing the chrome” of her boyfriend.  I remember what a big deal was made when it (the film, not the member) came out.  Everyone was talking.  “It begins with a BJ!”  It was also—as all her films are (I luv her)—very sexually graphic, and not in a PG way.

    Oh, I have another!  Can I submit two?  When Luke (Jon Voigt—Angelina Jolie’s father!) goes down on Sally (Jane Fonda) in Coming Home (1978).  Luke couldn’t really use his sugar-stick after it was blown to smithereens in Vietnam so he pleased women in other ways, and boy, did he make Sally quite the happy camper.  You got the sense of that particular activity being a first-time experience for her.  The scene was so erotic as well as poignant.  I cry whenever I re-view it.

    Thank you very much for this multimedia presentation, Kristina!

  • Kristina says:

    EllaRegina!

    I’m shocked—shocked I tell you!—at the number of people who haven’t seen Dangerous Beauty!  I don’t think it got a lot of attention when it came out in the theater, but I have a weakness for historicals with beautiful costumes and scenery… (and Rufus Sewell!).  Fabulous film. Catherine McCormack is awesome. I love that movie so much, I bought a biography about Veronica.

    I have never seen Romance—must check that one out!  And it’s been years since I saw Coming Home. 

    On another note, I saw the most recent (French) version of Lady Chatterly’s Lover and there is a lot of full-frontal male nudity in that one, but I can’t seem to recall if Lady Chatterly ever went down. smile

  • Oh I luuuuuurrve Dangerous Beauty (I believe it’s called The Honest Courtesan, over here). “He hears, it seems, my silents cries”- I’m a sucker for sappy poetry like that. Though oddly, I kind of wanted to have it off with a drunken Oliver Platt, rather than wonky-eyed Rufus Sewell

    Great Blow Hard post, too. Loved the euphemisms!

    Oh, and I must get twitter, cos I so wanted to sympathise with that “hoping for some good writing news soon” thing. Specially since I’m actually hoping for what I think is bad news about an antho that I suspect you’ve got good news about. Ah, the delicious agony of waiting!

  • Kristina says:

    Charlotte—I believe The Honest Courtesan is the name of Veronica Franco’s biography. I think the title hurt the film—too many people confuse with Dangerous Liaisons (an excellent movie, certainly!).  Oliver Platt was awesome—and awful!  And I’ll gladly keep Rufus for myself kiss

    (And yes, yes, you must join Twitter.  Quite addictive.  But no, I haven’t heard either way about *that* antho that you’re probably waiting on. Sigh.)

  • First, I’m honored to be the link beneath the word pervy!  grin

    You chose your excerpt well, sizzling and suggestive, and I also loved the choice of film clips.  Absolutely delicious!

  • Erobintica says:

    Wonderful post Kristina. Loved the additional euphemisms – already added that link to my “writing tools” list of sites. The book I picked mine out of came out in 1999, so many euphs aren’t in it – and yeah, with a few exceptions, you’d never hear somebody say them “in the moment” – well, maybe if it was a comedy. wink

    I’ve never seen that movie – I’ll have to see if I can rent it. Loved the reactions of the women (in their high collars) to the latin lesson.

    You also give good excerpt – wink  & loved the hello kitty boxer briefs (no way would Mr. E be caught in those, hahaha)

    Be back later to join in the fun.

  • JM Stone says:

    Oooh – I think I need to watch that movie!

    Love the clip, the excerpt, and if I can think around my cold medicine later I’ll have to see if I can’t find my favorite movie clip!

    ~J

  • alison tyler says:

    Fun post, Kristina! (The cocksucker tee-shirt is divine.) This is a pretty cool site for sex in films. But it’s funny—I can’t really think of a personal favorite off the top of my, um, head.

    XXX,
    Alison

  • Yes yes yes! Heroines who are allowed to enjoy sex! Y-E-S. Tired of not a virgin = eeeevooool. Only skanks like being tied up! Only whores know what to do in the bedroom! No no no no.

    And email away, hon! You get my addy when I comment, right? If not, I’ll just post it here for you. I’d email you, but I can’t see your addy anywhere- probably me being thick.

  • Kristina says:

    Charlotte—e-mail sent. wink

    Where are all the Blow Harders?  Blow Hardees?  Is everyone trying to think of a good BJ scene??

  • EllaRegina says:

    (Charlotte, click under “Contact” on Kristina’s homepage header choices.  Two ways of reaching her.)

  • EllaRegina says:

    (I meant “click” not “click under”—sorry!)

  • Ah- it’s on that little green bit! I was looking amidst the pink. Thanks EllaRegina! And Kristina: message received!

  • Emerald says:

    Oh, my goodness, I am SO sorry I am so late.  Unexpectedly, this is the first time since about 8:30 this morning that I have had access to my computer.

    Loved your post!  Despite your excerpt not veering into “X-rated territory,” I found it very hot and really enjoyed it!

    And that movie clip…whoa.  I think I very well may be adding that movie to my “to see” list, and I have not historically been much of a movie-watcher.  Extremely compelling!!  Thank you!

    Does any man say, “Oh baby, I want you to inhale the oyster?”

    LOL!

    I love Hello Kitty.  wink  And I love that t-shirt!!!

    Fabulous post, Kristina, especially given the topic juxtaposed with your PG-13 consideration.  smile  I found it compelling, fun, and quite hot!  Thank you again!

    Xoxo,
    Emerald

  • Kristina says:

    Emerald!  No worries—I was offline unexpectedly for a few hours myself this afternoon.  (Ever slip out to run a couple of quick errands and the next thing you know, the afternoon has blown by?  That was me.)

    Dangerous Beauty… rent it and you’ll want to own it. smile  (I swear, they need to hire me to publicize this film!)  I think I like it so much because I’m an aspiring screenwriter and the script is just awesome.  Fast-paced and clever and sensual and not at all boring like some period films.  Well… anyway… see it and let me know what you think!

    Thank you for the kind words about my Pg-13 content.  I hope I haven’t angered our mistress of ceremonies (currently known as She Who Is Injured and Drugged…) with my soft core approach. Hee.

    Thanks for stopping by!

  • well i’m on drugs and nosey as hell so I am trying to decipher the *this* and *that* antho references! haha! esp since if is Black Lace I am *wink* waiting on stuff too. so far i have yet to crack your top secret pron code.

    Otherwise, I cannot think of a great blow job scene in a movie. I have CLEARLY been watching the wrong movies. I need a better selection of movies.

    I had something else to say but *bang* *zoom* right out of my brain. Iwould also like to know what Emerald has been *ahem* doing since 8.30. Hmm? Was it dirty Emerald. Were there doodles and sugar sticks involved?

    xoxo
    s

  • Marina says:

    AK!  I’m so bummed!  We just had Dangerous Beauty here from Netflix, and the man put it back in the envelope and sent it away!  He thought I had already watched it!  :(  I’ll definitely get it back asap!

    Anyway – great post!  I loved this line in your excerpt: “Younger men are just so damned adorable. ”  I happen to like older men, but, still, it is a great line – it really sets things up well.

    And, being the musical sort, I love that “fluting” is a euphemism for bj!  Did you know that, back in the baroque and classical eras, it was considered improper for women to play the flute?  Something about how unseemly it was for a woman to have a long tube at her lips!!  Hmmph! 

    Oh my, the verification word says, “give48.”  48 what?  BJs?  Consecutively?  (That would beat the 37 bjs referenced in Emerald’s clip yesterday!)  How much time do I have?  How many men? 

    Sorry I’m so late – and that I’m getting a bit silly… it’s been a long day!  Thanks, Kristina, for all of the fun!

  • Kristina says:

    Sommer… LOL… I’m not sure I can crack my own code sometimes. wink  Ha.  (But yes, I’m waiting on what you’re waiting on…)

    Hope you’re feeling better!  And yes, Emerald, do tell what kept you busy all day.  Hee.

  • Melissa Cook says:

    Okay, I have to admit my hot movie.

    “A History of Violence”

    In the scene with his wife dressed up as a cheerleader, he goes down on her, and she turns it into a very powerful 69.  Those sort of mutual stimulation scenes get me going…Maria Bello’s not bad, but Viggo?  IS ALWAYS PORN FANTASY MATERIAL.

    Enough said

  • Kristina says:

    Marina!  Thanks for stopping by!  Yes, you must immediately get Dangerous Beauty back!!  Must!

    I did think of your musical Blow Hard post when I saw “fluting.”  Interesting about women not being allowed to play the flute (or eat bananas, probably!).

  • Emerald says:

    “Ever slip out to run a couple of quick errands and the next thing you know, the afternoon has blown by?”

    It seems as though that happened with the whole day for me today!  (Nice subject-relevant play on words, btw. wink )  Lol @ Sommer — maybe a flute and some chrome (I do love silver), heheheh.  Though not for the WHOLE day.  I’d be looking a little harder at Kristina, actually — she’s the one implicating the entire afternoon!  wink 

    Heh, I was going to say the transition from “[title I gave her]” to “She Who Is Injured and Drugged” seems like it might be a little rough.  Then I realized the title I gave her was not really PG-13.  smile

    Wow, Marina, I didn’t know that about the flute and women.  Interesting!

  • I never got back in last night to thank you, Kristina. Thank you for having us. The doodle coppers, sugar stick blower and poultry suckers.

    that was code for ta very much!
    xo
    s

  • Kristina says:

    Melissa!  Yes!  While some of the violence in A History of Violence was a little too much for my delicate sensibilities… that sex scene… oh my god!  The sex in that movie was so raw and real, and the “rape” scene on the stairs—wow—I believed it. 

    I agree, Viggo is hot!

  • Kristina says:

    Emerald, I liked your [redacted} title for Sommer. wink  Hee.

  • EllaRegina says:

    Hey, Girls and Boys!

    imdb.com seems to have a new feature listing when a movie will next be shown on (US) television.  It’s not consistent—doesn’t appear on the pages for the two films I mentioned, for example—HOWEVER, it seems DANGEROUS BEAUTY will be aired on Channel cw  (I don’t know it but never mind), THIS coming Sunday, April 12th at 1 p.m. !!!!  Check it out!  That will also be the first BHBT Surprise Guest Day but maybe you can record/TIVO or take a 111 minute (its runtime) break.  wink  YAY!

  • Kristina says:

    EllaRegina!  Thanks for sharing!  I didn’t know that about imdb.com (I love that site for film research, though!)

    Also, JM Stone e-mailed me to say that Dangerous Beauty is available to watch online through Netflix.  Yay!

    Would love to know what y’all think if you watch it. wink

  • Kristina says:

    You’re welcome, Sommer.  Thanks for including me. smile

  • Either The Honest Courtesan or Dangerous Beauty- blech titles. One sounds too much like IT’S ABOUT A HOOKER WITH A HEART OF GOLD, I TELL YE! The other means precisely nothing and sounds too much like every film ever. Why not just call it Veronica Franco? I’ve always felt guilty about loving this film, as though it’s rubbish- but title aside it’s a fantastic period drama/romance with a cool heroine. So glad someone else likes it! And is bigging it up!

    Note to self: must start bigging up things I like on my blog.

    And as for *that* antho- no. I think it’s a different one. I’m sure I read you’d had some good news about *this* one. But we’re probably both waiting on the *other* one. Ha! We’re talking in some kind of weird writer code!

  • Kristina says:

    LOL on the hooker with a heart of gold, Charlotte!  I agree—Veronica Franco would have been a perfectly fine title.  I’m just thrilled someone else has seen it!!  I adore movies with strong heroines (specifically strong heroines who enjoy sex) who don’t dead or otherwise abused for being strong (and enjoying sex).

    Hmm… not *that* antho?  Hmm. I did have a rush of sales over a couple of weeks and I’m totally blanking on which one you might be referring to.  Will have to e-mail you so as to break the code. wink

  • Fedora says:

    Just wanted to say hi, Kristina!  And I think I need to see Dangerous Beauty, too!  I don’t have any good movie recommendations—I don’t tend to watch many, and right now, most of the ones our family’s been renting have been the Disney variety wink  So any cocks are the Chicken Run type rather than anything hotter 😀

  • Kristina says:

    Hey Fedora!  Thanks for stopping by!  Yes, yes, yes, get thee to the video store and rent Dangerous Beauty!  You’ll love it.

    Your comment about Chicken Run and cocks had me cracking up! wink

  • Marina says:

    Hi Kristina – just wanted to stop back in and say that Dangerous Beauty came back from Netflix and I’ve now watched it twice!  Wow – really great!  Thanks!!!

  • Kristina says:

    Marina!  I’m so glad you enjoyed it! wink  Sigh… isn’t it just gorgeous?

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