Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 • No Comments on Here I Am (9w5d)
I haven’t posted much here lately. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes, this whole pregnancy thing. I have been so lucky so far—no morning sickness, just those few days of nausea early on—and the symptoms I do have aren’t all that bad. I’m tired all the time, but I’m an insomniac and often tired anyway. Combine my usual insomnia with a dramatic decrease in caffeine and it’s no wonder I’m tired. But pregnancy tired is different from insomnia, different from a lack of caffeine. This is the kind of post-sickness tired where I feel like I’m recovering from something. Not a bad feeling, just… tired. Naps are my friends. Still, as symptoms go, it’s been smooth sailing for me. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I turned 42 a few days ago. 42. Crazy number. Sometimes it’s hard to even believe I’m this age and pregnant, but I here I am. I keep running over the statistics in my head. I probably shouldn’t be here. Pregnant twice in less than a year—a miracle considering Jay wasn’t even here for a few of those months! But here I am. I repeat it like a protective mantra. Maybe I shouldn’t be here, but here I am.
I have my second ultrasound in the morning. It’s hard, going to these things alone. I know Jay wants to be here and he’s doing a great job staying involved and informed from a distance, but it’s hard sitting in that waiting room alone. No matter how cheerful and calm I manage to be most of the time, that wait is interminable. It doesn’t matter that the news at the end has been mostly good so far—I want to share it with Jay. And if the news turns out to be bad—well, no matter how tough I am, I don’t want to go through it alone. But, here I am.
I have been lucky. I know that. So I keep hoping for the best (though finding out Jay’s upcoming schedule has totally thrown me for a loop, but more on that another day) and reminding myself that I’ve managed to get here despite my age and fibroids and miscarriages. I got here and maybe I’ll stay here. Tomorrow I’ll be one day closer to that due date. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I will have a little more reassurance so I can reclaim the cheerful and calm attitude I need to get me through another thirty weeks of feeling like I’m holding my breath.