Where I Am Right Now

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 • 8 Comments on Where I Am Right Now

I am sorely lacking the motivation to write lately.  I’m trying to get it back, but… well, see list of excuses below. Sigh.  Bad writer. Bad, bad writer.  It doesn’t help that I know so many authors who are being so wildly prolific right now.  I’m beating myself up on an hourly basis these days.

One of my problems is that I am wrapped up in a project I’m not really sure I even want to do.  It initially came along before the whole I’m pregnant/I’m exhausted phase of my life and I’m just now really getting into it (not my fault, there was a delay on the other end).  In any case, I’m less than enthusiastic about it but I made a promise and I keep my promises, so…

Part of me thinks I should just bow out before I get more tied into something that’s going to sap my time and writing energy (what little I have these days).  Part of me thinks I should just push through so I can move on to the things I really want to do.  That’s my other problem.  While I drag my feet over this project, I’m totally ignoring my other writing.  It is my way.  One thing at a time until it’s done, then move on.  Except if the one thing I’m currently working on (allegedly working on) is taking weeks to complete, it puts me behind on everything else.  Bad system, I know.

Which brings me to another of my problems: the inability to let things go and just move on.  I have nothing invested in this project, other than maybe my reputation (but probably not even that).  It has turned into a bigger animal than I anticipated, with research I don’t want to do and expectations I’m not sure I want to meet.  And yet, and yet… I can’t just walk away.  Oh no, not me!  I must complete the project.  I must prove I am worthy.  I must satisfy my own conscience or ego or inner dominatrix or whatever it is that makes me do things I’m not really that interested in doing when I could be doing something more fun—like poking out my eye with a stick.

Okay, it’s not that bad.  Truly.  I think if this had come along at another time—say six months or even a year ago—I’d be wildly ecstatic about it.  But now… now is not a good time for me to be taking on big projects that aren’t my own pet projects.  Right now I need to be wildly excited about my writing so that I can push past the fatigue, the mental blocks, the distractions.  Some people think I’m this amazingly self-disciplined person—and sometimes I can be.  More often than not, though, it’s just my passion for the writing that keeps me self-disciplined when I could be napping or shopping or whatever.  When the passion isn’t there, the self-discipline goes out the window and a nap sounds pretty damned good.

Mmm… nap.

Where was I?  What was my point again?  Ah, no point really. Just letting you know where I am right now.  Which is to say, in bed and getting ready to go to sleep and no closer to being finished with this writing obligation than I was yesterday at this time.  However, I have given myself a deadline of next Monday to get it off my desk (and by desk I mean laptop, since I don’t work at a desk) and out of my life.  It’s Monday now.  I have a week.  I will be self-disciplined.

Hold me to that, won’t you?

Posted by Kristina in Writing
  • Emerald says:

    Hugs, Kristina.  Take a deep breath whenever you think about it, and don’t forget to hold yourself in love. 

    Namaste.

  • Nikki says:

    Gosh, it’s tiring growing a person, isn’t it?!

    If it helps any, I can’t write at the moment. At all. It would be like trying to glue cottonwool onto the paper with spit.

    Please give yourself lots of time and slack and patience, eh? Give yourself til Monday and – well, maybe it would even be a good thing to do the terrifying badawful thing and miss the deadline/junk the project. The world won’t end, I promise. I really promise.

    (I say this, and I’m about to sit my driving test in two hours. The world won’t end if I don’t pass, I keep telling myself. But I’m still going to have to take a plastic bag to be sick in.)

    Ah, we do our best.

    Take care!

    Nx

  • Kristina says:

    Thanks, Emerald. grin  You are a very calming influence.

  • Kristina says:

    Nikki~  It does help to know I’m not the only one having problems writing these days.  It feels like I’m the only one and I feel sooooo lazy.  red face

    Congrats on passing your driving test!!

  • Kristina says:

    Danielle ~  Always the voice of wisdom. smile  Chocolate cures a lot of things, doesn’t it?  Hope you’re back to writing!

  • Danielle says:

    guess who cant writer either in the moment…i need a muse but that mean creature dont comes along to kiss me! i m sitting here…start to write..erase it again..stare at the wall..get something to drink..write again..erase it…check my favourite blogs a zillion times…its a pain in the..uhm*..laptop!

    but anyway..if this big project isnt really your pet..and if you dont feel like doing it..and if it steals so much of ur time and energy..and you can not do it with your full heart..then..takesadeepbreath*..dont do it!!..isnt that what our work is about ? to write with all our passion and heart blood and..if thatb isnt the case and that lil mean thing tortures you then..let it go..i know its not easy..i m also bad about the let go part…but it works..somehow

    take care..be strong…have a nap..or a coffe..no ..wait…chocolate!…chocolate always is helpful…chocolate is a true friend in moments of being unable to write…if the muse comes along while i m away..tell her i m off to buy chocolate:-)

  • ha!..i phoned my little (she is twenty now and far ahead her age) sister Jade last night and read your commend to her..about danielle, the voice of wisdom..and then i asked her what she thinks about that…for a while there was silence at the other end of the phone and then she said in that lillte-sister-smart-ass voice..well..i want to meet THAT danielle!!!

    we all know..the prophet dont got game in his own country..grin

  • Kristina says:

    I just saw your last comment, Danielle.  I love your sister. wink

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