Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 • 8 Comments on Where I Am Right Now
I am sorely lacking the motivation to write lately. I’m trying to get it back, but… well, see list of excuses below. Sigh. Bad writer. Bad, bad writer. It doesn’t help that I know so many authors who are being so wildly prolific right now. I’m beating myself up on an hourly basis these days.
One of my problems is that I am wrapped up in a project I’m not really sure I even want to do. It initially came along before the whole I’m pregnant/I’m exhausted phase of my life and I’m just now really getting into it (not my fault, there was a delay on the other end). In any case, I’m less than enthusiastic about it but I made a promise and I keep my promises, so…
Part of me thinks I should just bow out before I get more tied into something that’s going to sap my time and writing energy (what little I have these days). Part of me thinks I should just push through so I can move on to the things I really want to do. That’s my other problem. While I drag my feet over this project, I’m totally ignoring my other writing. It is my way. One thing at a time until it’s done, then move on. Except if the one thing I’m currently working on (allegedly working on) is taking weeks to complete, it puts me behind on everything else. Bad system, I know.
Which brings me to another of my problems: the inability to let things go and just move on. I have nothing invested in this project, other than maybe my reputation (but probably not even that). It has turned into a bigger animal than I anticipated, with research I don’t want to do and expectations I’m not sure I want to meet. And yet, and yet… I can’t just walk away. Oh no, not me! I must complete the project. I must prove I am worthy. I must satisfy my own conscience or ego or inner dominatrix or whatever it is that makes me do things I’m not really that interested in doing when I could be doing something more fun—like poking out my eye with a stick.
Okay, it’s not that bad. Truly. I think if this had come along at another time—say six months or even a year ago—I’d be wildly ecstatic about it. But now… now is not a good time for me to be taking on big projects that aren’t my own pet projects. Right now I need to be wildly excited about my writing so that I can push past the fatigue, the mental blocks, the distractions. Some people think I’m this amazingly self-disciplined person—and sometimes I can be. More often than not, though, it’s just my passion for the writing that keeps me self-disciplined when I could be napping or shopping or whatever. When the passion isn’t there, the self-discipline goes out the window and a nap sounds pretty damned good.
Where was I? What was my point again? Ah, no point really. Just letting you know where I am right now. Which is to say, in bed and getting ready to go to sleep and no closer to being finished with this writing obligation than I was yesterday at this time. However, I have given myself a deadline of next Monday to get it off my desk (and by desk I mean laptop, since I don’t work at a desk) and out of my life. It’s Monday now. I have a week. I will be self-disciplined.
Hold me to that, won’t you?