Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 • 2 Comments on Overwhelmed (25w6d)
That one word sums up my life quite nicely at the moment. Overwhelmed. Pregnancy takes a lot of energy. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Even though I’ve had an easy time of it (so far—lest the pregnancy gods think I’m being cocky), there are days when I would very much like to detach this weight growing around my middle and pass it off to Jay to carry. Or the mailman. Whomever.
But I really am doing well and I try to take it all—the insomnia, the various weird aches and pains, the awful heartburn and even awfuler acid reflux—in stride and with a sense of humor. After all, it could always be worse. And I know it. And I’m grateful that it’s not. I truly, truly am.
But on top of pregnancy and the hormones that stay on an even keel most of the time only to send me careening off the deep end when I least expect it, there is the husband who is deploying for over seven months. The husband who I’m not even sure will be here when this baby is born, no matter how he tries to reassure me. There is that and the overwhelming (there’s that word again) feeling that I
cannot do this alone
. And by “alone” I mean without him.
I know I won’t be technically alone. There will be Sheri, the closest thing I have to a sister, and there will be friends, the closest thing I have to a family. But it is not the same as the father of my child being there, you know? As grateful as I am to those who will be here even if Jay can’t (and I
grateful in ways I will spend the rest of my life trying to express), I feel like I’m drowning when I think about the fact that he might not make it home from Dubai in time for the birth. That he might not be able to leave Dubai before the deployment is over—next May.
So, I do what any good pregnant woman would do: I try not to think about it. What else can I do? I have my lists and my Plan A and Plan B and Plan C (I’m still working on Plan D) and I’m taking care of myself physically and mentally as best I can and sometimes that involves just not thinking about all of the worst case scenario stuff. (Even though I am trying to have a plan for all of it.) I’m trying to keep my blood pressure within the range of normal and the only way I can do that is not to let my mind wander too deeply into the realm of the Bad Stuff. I’m not actually in denial (since I’m clearly aware of all the possibilities), I just can’t think about too much at once. One thing at a time, one day at a time, one plan at a time. That’s my goal.
Three more months of pregnancy and who knows how many months alone with a baby. I can do it. I have to. But right now I really, really don’t want to think about it.