Friday, November 13th, 2009 • 8 Comments on Time Goes By (36w1d)
Somehow, it’s gotten to be November. Autumn, my favorite time of year because it means fall leaves and cooler weather and Thanksgiving and Sheri. I think back to March and knowing I was pregnant even before the pregnancy test came up positive. Then June, when I knew it was a boy even before the CVS test results confirmed it.
What I didn’t know was that Jay would be deploying this year. There were a couple of precious months over the summer when we thought he’d be able to stay behind. Then August came and the plan changed and my world started to fall apart and then fell apart completely when he left October 1.
I can’t really even describe the feelings associated with Jay leaving because I’m still going through it, still processing it, still living it. Depression doesn’t quite begin to describe it, though. It’s more than that. It’s sadness and loss and feeling like the weight of the world—not just the weight of a baby—is on my shoulders. Which sounds hopelessly clingy and pathetic to my independent brain, but it has nothing to do with dependence and everything to do with a sense of how things should be. And this isn’t it.
So, I haven’t blogged during this pregnancy as much as I thought I would. I haven’t been as happy or excited as I should be—or at least as happy and excited as others think I should be. I don’t know that it’s entirely because Jay is deployed and I will be taking care of the baby by myself for six months until he’s home, though that’s a huge part of it. Hard to be happy and excited when I know how hard it’s going to be to do all of this on my own. But I also think it’s my nature to be a bit subdued with big changes—even changes I want—until I see how it goes. I’m mentally gearing up for this experience, knowing it will be demanding and exhausting and at times scary (having no one to offer a second opinion when it seems the baby is sick or feverish or morphing into Rosemary’s Baby, for instance) and that doesn’t leave a lot of room for excitement. Do I sound terribly cynical? Probably.
But when it comes to the pregnancy itself, I have no real complaints. Even with the gestational diabetes complication, it’s been relatively easy. The GD is a bit of an annoyance, but it’s manageable through diet. I had my followup on Tuesday and my numbers are good enough that I don’t need medication. Other than the occasional freak out by my doctor when my blood pressure went up (stress will do that to a person, you know—especially one who internalizes her emotions the way I do) and the early genetic testing because of my age and previous miscarriages, everything has gone beautifully. (The “so far” is assumed, right?)
I had my 36 week appointment yesterday. Everything is great except my iron—baby seems to be sucking it out of me, despite an additional supplement. He also hasn’t dropped yet and my cervix is still closed and firm—not unusual for a first baby, but I was kind of hoping for some progress. Of course, I have been joking that this baby isn’t coming until his father gets home, so maybe on some level he understands that I don’t want to do this alone. I love that Sheri will be here and having a doula gives me some peace, but I will still feel alone if Jay isn’t here. And if that makes me clingy and pathetic, so be it.