Time Goes By (36w1d)

Friday, November 13th, 2009 • 8 Comments on Time Goes By (36w1d)

Somehow, it’s gotten to be November.  Autumn, my favorite time of year because it means fall leaves and cooler weather and Thanksgiving and Sheri.  I think back to March and knowing I was pregnant even before the pregnancy test came up positive.  Then June, when I knew it was a boy even before the CVS test results confirmed it.

What I didn’t know was that Jay would be deploying this year.  There were a couple of precious months over the summer when we thought he’d be able to stay behind.  Then August came and the plan changed and my world started to fall apart and then fell apart completely when he left October 1. 

I can’t really even describe the feelings associated with Jay leaving because I’m still going through it, still processing it, still living it.  Depression doesn’t quite begin to describe it, though.  It’s more than that.  It’s sadness and loss and feeling like the weight of the world—not just the weight of a baby—is on my shoulders.  Which sounds hopelessly clingy and pathetic to my independent brain, but it has nothing to do with dependence and everything to do with a sense of how things should be.  And this isn’t it. 

So, I haven’t blogged during this pregnancy as much as I thought I would.  I haven’t been as happy or excited as I should be—or at least as happy and excited as others think I should be.  I don’t know that it’s entirely because Jay is deployed and I will be taking care of the baby by myself for six months until he’s home, though that’s a huge part of it.  Hard to be happy and excited when I know how hard it’s going to be to do all of this on my own.  But I also think it’s my nature to be a bit subdued with big changes—even changes I want—until I see how it goes.  I’m mentally gearing up for this experience, knowing it will be demanding and exhausting and at times scary (having no one to offer a second opinion when it seems the baby is sick or feverish or morphing into Rosemary’s Baby, for instance) and that doesn’t leave a lot of room for excitement.  Do I sound terribly cynical?  Probably.

But when it comes to the pregnancy itself, I have no real complaints.  Even with the gestational diabetes complication, it’s been relatively easy.  The GD is a bit of an annoyance, but it’s manageable through diet.  I had my followup on Tuesday and my numbers are good enough that I don’t need medication.  Other than the occasional freak out by my doctor when my blood pressure went up (stress will do that to a person, you know—especially one who internalizes her emotions the way I do) and the early genetic testing because of my age and previous miscarriages, everything has gone beautifully.  (The “so far” is assumed, right?) 

I had my 36 week appointment yesterday.  Everything is great except my iron—baby seems to be sucking it out of me, despite an additional supplement.  He also hasn’t dropped yet and my cervix is still closed and firm—not unusual for a first baby, but I was kind of hoping for some progress.  Of course, I have been joking that this baby isn’t coming until his father gets home, so maybe on some level he understands that I don’t want to do this alone.  I love that Sheri will be here and having a doula gives me some peace, but I will still feel alone if Jay isn’t here.  And if that makes me clingy and pathetic, so be it.

Posted by Kristina in Pregnancy 2009, Pregnancy and Baby
  • You don’t sound pathetic, you sound heroic. Heroes go though shit and suffering, on their own. They don’t enjoy it. But they do it.

    all my best
    xxx
    Janine

  • Su says:

    I’m sure Jay is feeling bad also because he won’t be able to be here and see the baby as soon as he gets!
    But you guys are gonna have plenty of time to enjoy the little one!

    PS: You’re going a beautifull belly, you know that?

  • Emerald says:

    “maybe on some level he understands that I don’t want to do this alone”

    That seems quite feasible to me, especially if you happen to have consciously communicated that to him. 

    I would guess this goes without saying, but I want to say anyway that I wish you utterly the best with the birthing process, just as of course I have and still do with your pregnancy, and with all else.  If there is anything at all I can do to help please feel free to ask (I understand and relate to the feeling of hesitation to do this smile). 

    Hold yourself in love.

    Best,
    Em

  • shannon says:

    By no means can I pretend to fully relate, as J is here.  What struck a common chord is the fact that things are not going as “they should” or how we dreamed them to be.  Just like some brides obsess over having the perfect wedding…the one they have planned since they were 8 years old…I know I had ideas about the perfect pregnancy.  Well, my pregnancy is not what I “dreamed.” Only about 25% of it is going as planned.  I guess the best recommendation I give you and myself is to pay attention and enjoy each minute being pregnant, remembering how awesome it is to have a bundle so close at hand (and that guys can’t do what we are doing)!  Call your personal cheerleader whenever you wish!

  • Kristina says:

    Emerald~ 
    I knew you’d understand what I meant and not laugh at me.  I figure if babies in utero can pick up on emotions and be stressed when mom is stressed and quiet when mom is at peace, they might also know that the time isn’t right to be born.  And Jay told him several times before he left to stay put until he got home.  Perhaps we have a very obedient child. smile 

    Thanks for your support and kindness.

  • Kristina says:

    Oh Janine, I don’t feel much like a hero at all. grin  Just a whiny pregnant woman.  But thank you, thank you for making me feel better about the whining.  You’re a sweetheart.

  • Kristina says:

    Su ~ 

    Yes, Jay is feeling awful that he might miss the birth and will definitely miss the early months.  But you’re absolutely right, we will have lots of time to enjoy him when Jay gets home next summer.  Thanks for the sweet words—my belly feels huge to me, but I guess it doesn’t look too bad!

  • Kristina says:

    Thanks, Shannon.  I know you understand the part about things not being as the should be.  I don’t know what 75% of yours isn’t going as planned (other than the house stuff), but I know you’ll find a way to make it work for you.  As will I.  It’s just hard to believe it’s possible right now. 

    I’ve enjoyed this pregnancy as much as I can, I think—especially during the months when Jay was here and I wasn’t having to do *everything* myself.  Now that I’m positively HUGE, it’s exhausting doing the simplest things—even making the bed by myself is tiring (and inviting—so much easier to climb back in than make it!).  Never mind things like hauling the vacuum up and down stairs and loading and unloading groceries from the car and bending down to clean up after pets who vomit in my closet (Henry’s late night adventure last night).  Just… exhausting.  And I know exhaustion won’t let up even once baby is here.  But I will survive!  And I have cheerleaders!  So do you—remember that. grin

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