The universe is conspiring against me… or… the universe is trying to tell me something. Pick one. I can’t.
I have had a series of events recently that feel like physical blows. Some of it, like the back pain, has been physical. I hate back pain. I simply cannot deal with it. And I’ll tell you a secret-- it’s not because of the pain, which hurts like a sonofabitch, but I have a high pain threshold and can handle it. No, I hate back pain because it makes me feel utterly, miserably helpless and I do not and cannot handle feeling helpless. I have nightmares about it. I cannot be helpless. It is not allowed.
Other things, they leave no physical marks but they wrench and hurt and make me feel helpless just the same. Just when I think I know who I am and it is all falling into place, I wake up and think I don’t know half of what or who I think I know. Blah. So I observe the signs and try to interpret them. Then I read brilliant, insightful writing by Alana and Jess, and I think they’re talking to me and that’s a sign, too… Madness, I tell you. It’s all madness. Or perhaps I’m the one who is mad?
I have not been writing. I have been blogging and I have been e-mailing and I have even been working on my script for screenwriting class, but the regular writing languishes. I read about Shanna‘s novel-writing progress and Jeremy‘s latest appearance and Sommer‘s newest release and Alison and Rachel‘s reports from both the editing and writing trenches, and I’m happy and proud to know these fabulous people, but I also feel horribly guilty because I’m not doing enough of my own writing.
I have been given a bounty of signs with regard to my writing lately. Happy signs, positive and reinforcing signs that I need to redirect my mental and physical anguish into my writing. Pour it out, open a vein. In the span of one week:
-- I received a request to reprint a story in an anthology that I did not know about and probably wouldn’t have submitted to even if I had, just because I have been so damned lazy (sick, in pain, whatever) lately.
--Found out a story of mine was nominated and then short-listed for an award (I will post the official news and link once they make it public).
--Received some lovely, amazing notes about my writing:
I’m very pleased when I fine your stories in other collections… You have a wonderful talent!
and, this from a long e-mail explaining how my story Skin Deep brought back a bittersweet experience:
Thanks for a great read and for reviving a wonderful memory.
These little notes, telling me that something I wrote meant something to someone, they are signs. Signs I need to heed and remember when all the rest is swirling out of my control. This, this one thing, I can control. I can write about experiences and feelings that everyone has, whether they admit to them or not. I can write and put those stories out there and that does not make me feel helpless at all.
This, I can do.
Thanks for all the well wishes regarding my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad back pain. I managed to survive with a minimum of pharmaceuticals and a maximum of rest, heat and gentle stretching. I don’t know what that was, but I do not want it back. I have been neglecting my Pilates and yoga, which is soon to change. Plus, I think I’ll make an appointment for a massage. Couldn’t hurt, right?
I have to say, I really do not understand the appeal of narcotics. Vicodin did nothing but make me fuzzy-headed. I was told by more than one person that such drugs don’t completely eliminate the pain, but they make you not care about the pain. Hmm? I want a drug that leaves me clear-headed, fully-functioning and pain-free. Does such a thing exist? That would be addictive to me-- not this silly muddle-headed medicine that left me sleepy and unable to form complete sentences. (Silly me, even when I’m in pain I want to get some work done.) I always avoided narcotics because of the warnings of possible addiction, but my delicate nature is safe from the evils of Vicodin.
I ran into my next door neighbor while I was food shopping the other day. I hate running into people while I’m running errands. I have no patience for idle chit-chat on the canned sauces and pasta aisle. I want to get my rigatoni and roasted tomatoes and head for the checkout, y’know? But, politeness calls for acknowledgment when nearly bumping chests with one’s neighbor of almost eight years.
Of course, the first thing he says is, “I never see you out. I would never even know you were over there. I don’t even see you let Henry out.”
(Henry, as you may recall, is the dog.)
Hmm. Perhaps I need to spend more time in the yard? I don’t know. In any case, my response is that he must hear Henry barking.
To which he says, “Yeah, when you’re out there feeding those raccoons. Now you’ve got me feeding them, too.”
(You may also recall that I am soft-hearted and feed wild animals.)
We went on to talk about how awful it will be if the woods behind our houses is sold and developed (with me lamenting what will happen to all the wildlife-- I don’t have room for all of them in my house!), but that one little comment made me extraordinarily happy. My next door neighbor-- the guy who goes hunting-- is putting food out for the raccoons. My raccoons. Not only does he put food out for them, he was able to describe them to me. He sounded downright fond of them, even. It warmed my little heart, right there on the canned sauces and pasta aisle.
That’s what it’s all about, you know. Changing the world one good deed-- and one raccoon-- at a time.
Sorry I’ve been away. A bad cold/virus/plague thing came to visit me on Wednesday night and doesn’t want to leave. I have all of the fun symptoms: fever, aching joints, chills, stuffy head, headache, sore throat, nasty cough. Exciting stuff. Hopefully it will pass soon…
After two and a half weeks of being home, Jay is back in Rhode Island and I’m living along again. The good news is… he’ll only be gone for another 7 weeks. The bad news is… once he’s back, he’ll only be home for 7 weeks. Deployment 2008, here we come.
Between Jay being home, the holidays and being sick, I have enjoyed a semi-relaxing two-week vacation. Spring semester starts tomorrow and I still have a ton of reading and work to do before I’m ready. I also have to commit to what class I’m going to take this semester. Long story, but it’s a choice between the boring class and the fun class. The boring class meets a requirement for my Women’s Studies certificate, the fun class… well, it would just be fun. Work-writing fun, but still. Right now, fuzzy from cold medicine and feeling blue, I’m seriously leaning toward the fun class. I need to decide… by tomorrow. Of course, the reality is I don’t need to take a class at all, but I feel like I should. I’m weird that way-- it’s part of the “learn something new” resolution I make for myself every year.
I’m starting to work on one of my other New Year’s resolutions, too. I’ve joined Good Reads in an attempt to nudge myself to read more this year. I have started adding books and reviews. Stop by if you’re a member-- I need some friends! Hopefully Book Club will be up and running sometime in 2008, too. Yay, reading! (I’m such a geek.)
Okay, that’s my Sunday evening update. I’m going back to watching the season premier of The L-Word. I’ll go ahead and say it for everyone else who is watching: Jenny needs to die.
In 2008, I resolve to…
--Survive the year with humor, grace and self-sufficiency.
Jay will be gone for a ridiculous amount of time this year. I am dealing with some health stuff. Life has a way of kicking me when I’m down. All good reasons to make this my number one resolution.
--Read more. A lot more.
Like most writers I know, I find myself reading fewer and fewer books as the years go by. I need to read more—outside of academic writing and other people’s blogs. I’m making this a priority in 2008. Book Club will be back!
--Make some art.
I am not an artist by any stretch of the imagination, but I find myself wanting to create something besides words on a page. My word ornament was a start—I want to make more art and maybe take a class. I also want to take more pictures and do something with them beyond uploading them to my computer.
--Plan a trip-- or two.
Sheri and I are talking about taking an anniversary trip in 2008. 20 years of enduring friendship deserves a celebration. Jay will be all over the map and meeting up with him in some far-flung location is also a possibility. I know I’m going to be reluctant to plan any trips this year—for a variety of reasons—so perhaps if I make it a resolution, I’ll stick by it.
--Make some new friends—especially female friends.
I’m feeling the need for more women in my life.
--Write every day. Every day.
I have several major projects I want to complete this year and the only way it’s going to happen is if I write every day. I won’t be able to accomplish 365 days of writing, but if I can manage at least 250 days of writing, I will be content.
--Learn something new.
This year, I really want to take at least one non-academic class and perhaps work on learning a foreign language.
--Nurture myself.
Massages, manicures, meditation, Pilates and yoga. Medical appointments as required, new glasses to replace the ones that have been sliding down my nose for three months, home cooked meals instead of cheese sandwiches. More rest, less stress. Cutting out the toxic stuff and unnecessary drama and replacing it with peace and balance. I will accomplish this in 2008.
Happy New Year… make it count!
Life. Love. Writing. Friendship.
Sex. Books. Movies. Travel. Politics. Feminism. Academia. Insomnia. Rants. Raves. Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Some names have been changed, some stories have been embellished. Thanks for stopping by and beware of the dog. Read more...
