Somehow, it’s gotten to be November. Autumn, my favorite time of year because it means fall leaves and cooler weather and Thanksgiving and Sheri. I think back to March and knowing I was pregnant even before the pregnancy test came up positive. Then June, when I knew it was a boy even before the CVS test results confirmed it.
What I didn’t know was that Jay would be deploying this year. There were a couple of precious months over the summer when we thought he’d be able to stay behind. Then August came and the plan changed and my world started to fall apart and then fell apart completely when he left October 1.
I can’t really even describe the feelings associated with Jay leaving because I’m still going through it, still processing it, still living it. Depression doesn’t quite begin to describe it, though. It’s more than that. It’s sadness and loss and feeling like the weight of the world-- not just the weight of a baby-- is on my shoulders. Which sounds hopelessly clingy and pathetic to my independent brain, but it has nothing to do with dependence and everything to do with a sense of how things should be. And this isn’t it.
So, I haven’t blogged during this pregnancy as much as I thought I would. I haven’t been as happy or excited as I should be-- or at least as happy and excited as others think I should be. I don’t know that it’s entirely because Jay is deployed and I will be taking care of the baby by myself for six months until he’s home, though that’s a huge part of it. Hard to be happy and excited when I know how hard it’s going to be to do all of this on my own. But I also think it’s my nature to be a bit subdued with big changes-- even changes I want-- until I see how it goes. I’m mentally gearing up for this experience, knowing it will be demanding and exhausting and at times scary (having no one to offer a second opinion when it seems the baby is sick or feverish or morphing into Rosemary’s Baby, for instance) and that doesn’t leave a lot of room for excitement. Do I sound terribly cynical? Probably.
But when it comes to the pregnancy itself, I have no real complaints. Even with the gestational diabetes complication, it’s been relatively easy. The GD is a bit of an annoyance, but it’s manageable through diet. I had my followup on Tuesday and my numbers are good enough that I don’t need medication. Other than the occasional freak out by my doctor when my blood pressure went up (stress will do that to a person, you know-- especially one who internalizes her emotions the way I do) and the early genetic testing because of my age and previous miscarriages, everything has gone beautifully. (The “so far” is assumed, right?)
I had my 36 week appointment yesterday. Everything is great except my iron-- baby seems to be sucking it out of me, despite an additional supplement. He also hasn’t dropped yet and my cervix is still closed and firm-- not unusual for a first baby, but I was kind of hoping for some progress. Of course, I have been joking that this baby isn’t coming until his father gets home, so maybe on some level he understands that I don’t want to do this alone. I love that Sheri will be here and having a doula gives me some peace, but I will still feel alone if Jay isn’t here. And if that makes me clingy and pathetic, so be it.
Good grief, my blog has fallen by the wayside these days. And it’s not as if I don’t have a ton to blog about. My impending due date has me scurrying around trying to get as much stuff done as possible before the baby arrives. Holiday shopping finished, check. Holiday packages wrapped, check. Holiday cards addressed and stamped, check. Birth announcement envelopes addressed and stamped, check. Freezer full of food so I don’t have to cook, check. Etc., etc. Everyone keeps telling me I won’t ever be ready for this experience, but I am doing my damnedest to try.
I’m also putting the finishing touches on my anthology Fairy Tale Lust. I will be unveiling the final version of the book cover soon, along with the table of contents! I’m so excited about this book. The stories are all over the map in terms of style, setting and sensuality, but they’re all fabulous in their own way. And did I mention the terrific foreword by a New York Times best selling author of erotic romance? Woo! I’m hoping to schedule a few readings and book store events next year and I’ll definitely be promoting Fairy Tale Lust at the RWA conference in Nashville in July. I’m making notes for ideas for the blog I’ll be putting together for the book, including interviews with the authors and all sorts of fairy tale legend and lore as it relates to erotica, romance and popular culture. (Plus some fun giveaways and goodies for readers!)
While the editor hat is a little easier to wear these days, I’m trying to put on my writer hat and be productive before this baby comes. Rachel Kramer Bussel extended her deadline for her forthcoming anthology Orgasmic and I’m determined to come up with something to send her before the end of the week. I’m a bit annoyed with myself for having let several of her other anthology deadlines slip by, but the creative juices just haven’t been flowing very well the past few months. I have been told that the sleepless nights of motherhood will inspire creativity and I desperately hope that’s true since the sleepless nights of pregnancy haven’t been so good for my writing.
More to come when I’m not so brain dead. Even the blog writing seems to be taking a hit from the pregnancy.
Sometimes it’s hard to notice that I’m actually getting bigger until I compare pictures where I’m wearing the same outfit. Case in point:
36 weeks:
And 4 weeks earlier at 32 weeks:
Who knew a belly could get so big?
Three photos from my 34 week ultrasound on Tuesday. (Now that I’ve been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, they’re going to be monitoring me more closely-- which means more ultrasounds.) I would swear the middle picture looks like a miniature Jay. But maybe that’s just my pregnant imagination.
What’s it all about?
Life. Love. Writing. Editing. Sex. Books. Romance. Movies. Friendship. Photography. Teaching. Coffee. (Lots of coffee.) Travel. Feminism. Academia. Insomnia. Memories. Experiences. Rants. Raves. Reviews. Babies. Pregnancy. Motherhood. Insanity. Musings of an insomniac writer. Want to know more?
